An Small Silver Lining to this Pandemic


DISCLAIMER: Sorry about how long this post is. I guess I really got iN mY FEelS writing this and kinda spiraled into a brain vomit as I kept on going. I’ve had a LOT of time to reflect since I’ve been back home and I guess these are the results of it.

As much as I am equally upset, as with the rest of my peers, of the disruption Covid-19 has had on our lives as MIT student, I've got to say, I've started appreciating the positives of being at home.

When the news broke that we were getting sent home and would be finishing the semester virtually, I initially expected myself to immediately start going insane from my parent’s constant hovering and need to control everything I do. I expected the immediate jump from absolute independence, which I'd become accustomed to in college, back to the dependent life I had back home with my parents, them telling me to go to sleep, to clean my room, when to wake up, etc, to feel restricting. I thought that by the end of two weeks, I’d be crying and begging for my life at MIT back. In addition, as someone who loves to be out and about in bustling places, I was definitely sure I’d develop cabin-fever quite soon. 
 
      But now, 3 weeks in, I’ve got to attest the opposite.

Not that I’m 100% fine, no. There’re still moments that I wish I could be anywhere else than cooped up in my home as I reflect on the good memories I’ve shared with friends on campus and missing them so much that my heart hurts a little. In fact, last night around 2 am, I found myself having a fake conversation in my head with the people I miss so much, maybe simulating the 2-3 am conversations I’m used to having with the fellow night-owls in my floor’s lounge.  (Yes, I know, I may be going a little insane, literally talking to the wall) But besides these brief episodes, overall, I don’t feel mad or upset, rather, oddly a sense of content. 

I guess being home now has made me realize just how homesick I had been at school. I remember around the end of freshman spring and sophomore fall, always having this sense of mild, but nagging anxiety. I couldn’t quite pin down the source though. Was it schoolwork? Was it social pressure? Was it my struggle with determining a suitable major and future career trajectory? I remember, on multiple occasions, spilling my guts to my closest friends, expecting the anxiety to subdue once I had worked out my feelings. However, it still persisted. This continued anxiety and need to talk to people fueled my constant need to socialize with others. There were times when I couldn’t stand studying in my room because I’d start feeling isolated after a while. 

MIT made me dependent on others. 

This fear of isolation, of course, made me terrified of going back home, where I’d be inevitably isolated from others for who knows how long. The first few days home, I recall frantically finding ways to connect with those I had departed from, constantly texting, sending memes, Tik Toks, and video-calling for hours on end. You could say we were fearful of loneliness, hungry for social interaction, and perhaps a sense of the normalcy we had back at MIT.

But as the days have gone by, classes have started, and we’ve settled into our new routines, the amount of time I’ve spent digitally socializing has subdued. And I’m surprisingly not that upset about it. Yes, I do still care for my friends, just as much as I did back at school, but I don’t feel the urge to always reach out. Being home, I’ve reallocated more of my time towards reconnecting with my parents and providing advice to my sister, who’s currently going through the awkward but coming-of-age phase in life, known as middle school. I’m realizing now how maybe my anxiety I had been experiencing, partially stemmed from a hole in my life that leaving my family for school had created.

The other day, as I reflected on my time home, I came to the conclusion that in the wake of this pandemic that seems to bring nothing but consistent bad news, there may be one small silver lining to it. The unlikely turn of events has offered some of us an unexpected, but additional chance to live back in our childhood homes, which for some, will likely be one of the last times we’ll spend doing so for an extended period of time. So I urge you all to cherish this time home and treat it not as a closing door, but maybe another opportunity.
      
Oddly content,
Sophie

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