How to regain control of a spiraling mind

I never thought I would be finishing up a semester of MIT from my dining room table. I never thought I would force my brother to sit down at the same table and help me with psets because I suddenly found myself without peers. And I never thought I'd return to middle school and HouseParty all of my closest friends because our parents (and the WHO and the CDC and the governor) said we couldn't go out. Life comes fast, and here we are. Most importantly, we're gonna be here for a while.

The hardest part of this situation is that there is really no one to be angry with. People made mistakes and mishandled situations, of course, but in a constantly evolving conflict against something we don't understand, I can't blame them. So I find myself, living in my childhood home's guest room, staring at walls or at TikToks, occasionally walking my dogs and wondering how things went so wrong. I haven't found an answer yet, but, hey, I've got a few more months of quarantining to think.

But I'm a MIT student. School started and I found my endless free time sucked into Zoom lectures, psets, and even blog posts. At first, sudden change is easy to resent, and we've had too many sudden changes over the last few weeks. But now, on a rare sunny day in Chicago, I am sitting at my same dining room table, and I am so grateful for school. Not because I enjoy all of the work or look forward to staring at my computer for hours a day, but because it has given me control over something in a vastly uncertain and uncontrollable world. I used to think understanding Module 2 would be my greatest obstacle. COVID-19 sent us rolling down a mountain with no way of stopping, but 20.109 stuck out a handhold and said, "Here, take a look at this biology for a second. Look how cool R is (jury is still out for me)! Look at all the people here in your same position, who are here for you as much as you are for them." And for a brief moment I could tear my eyes from the news, I could shut off NPR, and I could stop to learn something new. When you're spiraling in the unknown, it is hard to remember that the world is still spinning.

I am thankful for 20.109 and all the rest of my classes. I am grateful for my professors and TAs (shoutout nocturnal Kevin) who remind me that we keep working towards our goals, no matter what. And I am truly appreciative of anything that grounds me, even if it's failing to make PCA plots, again and again.

Stay sane everyone, and "Stay Gold, Ponyboy."

Over and out,
Ilana

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